Sunday, July 12

can't sleep.

Once again, I am up later than I would like, and am awake for no particular reason other than sleep won't come. Because I cannot shut off my brain.
My mother keeps on telling me that when I loose weight, she will take me on a shopping spree. Then does not understand why I never want to go shopping for clothes.... I haven't bought myself clothes in over 2 months. Because I don't want to feel good. I don't want to feel pretty. Because I am not. A size 16 with bad skin? not a pretty girl. And I'm fucking tired of people telling me I have a great personality. That's not what people see when they see me. They see a lost teenager. The second-rate child in the family. 
And I am lost. I am off track, lazy, unreliable, and lonely. 
I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I have no idea. And that horrifies me. I'm a year and a half away from graduating college and I have not idea what I want. I want to go back to high school. Friends were easier to maintain. As were grades. And my growing habit of not attending class to the point of failure would disappear. 
But life hardly ever gives us what we want.
Only what we can handle. And sometimes what we need. 

That's all I'm relying on to get through the rest of this summer.
I cannot take much more here. 
I'm alone far too often. And when I'm with people I lie about what I do when I'm alone. I sit on my ass and think about how crappy this summer has been.
My dad asked me if I thought this was a good summer. I lied. Said yes. 
I smile. I lie. I laugh. I lie. I don't sleep. I lie. 

I think I want to write a book. but it probably won't be very good. like everything else I do. 
I'm going to make this blog a once a month thing.
It's too depressing to write like this more often.
not that anyone reads this. 
that's probably better though. 

Saturday, June 13

Nicest Thing

Soooo. I haven't blogggggged in quite some time. Sorry, self. I broke a promise to me. How dare I. But, I have a legitimate excuse for not blogging at all last week: I was in Colorado all week, and made a promise (that I actually kept) to my mom/myself that I wouldn't go on the internet at all while we were in the park in Colorado. 
It was an excellent trip. We hiked mostly, but my brother and I spent a solid day and a half in the craft center in the park; painting, mosaicing, jewelry making. 
It is a bit sad though, it's the last trip we'll be taking as a family for .... the unforseeable future. All because my brother is moving to New Zealand on the 26th. for over a year (he'll miss me turning 21 D: and our cousin's new baby). He's got a visa, and a friend that he's going to live with.
 but that's all. 
It horrifies me to think that he'll be so on his own. I could never do that. As much as I would love to study abroad, I don't think that I'll ever gain the courage to go off on my own, to make new friends, to find a place to live and a job... it completely baffles my mind. He's handling it very well. At the moment I think he's 50% excited and 40% scared and 10% confused. So long as excited stays in the top spot he'll do fine. 
Enough of that though.
I cannot get this song out of my head. I think it's part of the reason (along with a deep seeded desire that i've had for the past 10 years) why I'm asking my parents to get me a cello for my birthday. Which is next Sunday. And Father's Day. 
Boo hiss. 
Not to father's day, but to my birthday. [ there is a bit of a selfish twinge in me that groans every time I have to share my special day with someone else...]
Turning 20. 
A tad bit scared of not being a teenager anymore. I kinda feel like I'll have to change my attitude  to most everything in my life. I am the baby of my family, and I still act it, mostly. It doesn't really help that my mom keeps on absentmindedly telling me she wishes I was 18 so I could work at a restaurant. heh. 
it's  almost 5 AM and I spent all day ...yesterday in a car. so this most likely will not make much sense. and i'm sleepy. so i'll post this now, and edit more throughly tomorrow. sometime. :)


Thursday, May 28

dreams again.

waking up to an eerily empty house after having a scary dream is not fun. nope. 
a brief synopsis of my dream: I'm at a camp in the country filming a romantic comedy with Vince Vaughn. We (vince vaughn and i) are sharing a cabin with 3 other people on the film crew and we keep on hearing people talk about all the bad/scary things going on in the camp, and we talk about what the director/producers are going to do about it. Vince and I leave the cabin to meet up with my friend Zach (who's directing the movie) at the camp's gym to talk about the scary stuff and the script (that I wrote). But, once we get there, we find a skeleton in the closet that was supposed to have all of the film's props in it. Vince goes off to find a phone to call his mom. And Zach and I decide to go run laps while we wait. I ran 6 laps and then woke up. 
Idk why, but that dream really freaked me out. Good thing I spent the day in the middle of nowhere on a farm with 4 people i was kind of friends with in high school. hah. oh foreshadowing... it didn't help that the guys with us kept on making comments like "i feel like a murderer will jump out of the grass to get us soon." and "we'll be fine in the car unless the bad guy has a hook. Those hooks always penetrate the roof of the car. ALWAYS... so if he's got a hook, we're f**ked." 
it was a lot like that . . . except without the Vince Vaughn, skeletons, movie making and running. 
We did ride horses, touch cows, sheep, herding dogs and barn cats, eat dinner, swim, take a hike to find more animals and watch A River Runs Through It (which none of us liked. At all.) 
I got sunburned though. Not too bad, but sunburned none the less. 
WHY AM I UP SO LATE?! :( it's almost 4:30. w/e it's summer. 

kBai. Kate.

Tuesday, May 26

So yes.

i am just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. hah. Glee is amazing. 
i do live in a small town. i am a girl. and i am pretty damn lonely. 
right now, more than anything, i want a boyfriendthing (to quote Hayley Hoover). I keep on having dreams involving my guy friends and myself. And we seem to always end up making out. yay for subconscious thoughts. i want to make out with all of my friends. 
Speaking of dreams... my dream last night:
 John Green (of vlogbrothers persuasion), Nathan Fillion (of Firefly, Castle and Captain Hammer persuasion), and Paul Bettany (of Knight's Tale, Match point, and Jennifer Connely's husband) kidnapped me, my roommate and a whole bunch of other girls. They then locked us in a really nice victorian house. Fed us, took care of us, but wouldn't let us out of the house. And there were areas that we were not allowed to go (under threat of punishment). Being my brave dream self; i convinced my roommate to go to that area of the house... and of course, right as we got to that area we ran into one of the other captives (who was naked, and running away from Nathan Fillion) and so the 3 of us hid in the closet. Once we got into the closet thou, the naked girl disappeared, and my roommate started to jingle her keys really loudly. so Nathan found us. and took my roommate and I to see John, who didn't say anything, he just put down his book, took off his glasses and looked disappointed in us (of course... in every dream of mine that John Green has been in he's a teacher/principal type person.) Because I had instigated the sneaking into the forbidden part of the house, Nathan and John agreed to let Kayla go back to our room. Nathan took me away, and as punishment for hiding in the closet, he took me into this massive dark room, and once we reached the middle of the room he gave me this huge bear hug and we apperated (that's fine, dream mind. incorporate all sorts of random crap into my dreams.) into a bar. a naked bar. and the other captive girl (the one from the closet) was there, naked still.* And so was my computer. So, when Nathan wasn't looking, I grabbed my computer, apperated back to the house, grabbed my roommate and apperated back to the bar. and everyone was putting their pants (and only pants) back on.  And then paul bettany came over and licked my face. (turns out my dog was trying to wake me up.) I did wake up when my dog bit my nose thou.
* i'd like to say that i do not often have dreams about naked people. but i was not naked. And everyone that was, well, their ...bits were all covered in some way or another.

great job brain. seriously. i don't even want to BEGIN to analyze what the hell that dream meant. 

blogging at 4 am is probably not the best idea. i have to be up at 930 today. poopy poopy pants.

ok bai. Kate.

Thursday, May 21

I will never be popular. :)

I'll admit it. 
I am loooooving being home. I thought it was going to be a horrible transition like last summer (going from no curfew, doing whatever the hell I wanted at any time I wanted and all of my friends living walking distance from me, to having to be home no later than 1, all my friends living no less than 30 minutes away, and having to tell at least 2 people where I was going every night). But I am a sophomore now. And I know things now. Like how to make the switch from college time to I-am-the-baby-coming-home time. I feel so knowledgeable. 
I was talking to my brother about how differently we both treat our parents now that we're "grown-ups". My brother a lot more so because he's an old man (almost 23. i mean ... is ANYONE that old?) and has been living at home since january. 
It amazes me how much I didn't think of my parents as real people with real lives -that didn't revolve around mine- until the end of last semester. They do things with out me there. They travel. They paint rooms. They party, in an old person, slow, quiet way. They did those things before I was around. It's crazy, if you've never thought of your parents that way before it's quite an eye opener. Or was for me.
That conversation got me thinking about YouTube, as my normal life has more and more often lead me to recently, and about how we idolize the people we follow, even if we've met them. I know that somewhere deep down I know that the people I watch on the Tube are normal people. With mostly normal lives. But I can't help but idolize them and their well edited, highly watched and commented videos. They're like the popular kids from high school... I always admired them; but never wanted to be one, band drama was enough for me. While I was popular (or at least well known) in band, I never had any social ambitions beyond that. I was friendly with several "popular" kids (or at least my high school's equivalent of popular), but never wanted to be in the school lime light. It was way too much work. Seriously.
But for the first time in my adult life, I want to be popular. I want strangers to watch my videos, to think i'm awesome or funny or weird or anything. I think I just want people to know I exist. Which sounds much more sad than it actually is. But I don't want to become my videos. I feel like some users ARE their videos. I couldn't imagine them outside that wonderfully anonymous rectangle. Like CuteWithChris, or CommunityChannel, WhatTheBuck or DisneyKid1... people that witty and attractive couldn't possibly exist in real life. 
Maybe it's because there aren't any super famous YouTubers from my area... so it's not me. But, I still want to be famous on YouTube. I don't know why. It won't do anything for me. I still don't like it when my friends find out about my YouTube account. It's weird. I'm probably not cut out to be popular on the tubez. oh well.

the good: American Dad, Torchwood and Glee. EVERYONE GO WATCH GLEE ON HULU. it's amazing. . . . . god having cable again is AWEEEESOME.
the bad: Adam Lambert didn't win American Idol. I love him. 
the ugly: i have to unpack ALL of my crap from school. :(

Pretty, Pretty Rainbows, Kate.

Saturday, May 16

Home, and it feels kinda good.

So yes. I made it through my finals ok. Not quite sure how I did on 2 of them, but I know I have solid B's in all but one class, so that's good.
What's not good is the fact that I thought I might have some time to relax and catch up on sleep and be happy it's summer. But alas, my parents had other plans. They won't let me sleep in, are making me drive to Ft. Worth tomorrow, monday and wednesday mornings (it's about an hour and a half away), are pressuring me into getting a job, AND made me a dentist appointment for tuesday - some things you need to know about my dentist - it's the same dentist we've had for 6 years (even though we now live 45 minutes away), and it's nothing against the dentist himself, but, I. HATE. the dentist. seriously.... I always freak out and end up crying my way home. It's super super fun. I'm not scared of my dentist, I just hate going there and can't help but cry every time I leave. It's awkward, and weird, and I don't want to do that again. But the dentist is necessary. So. I'll just have to deal. 
in whiney summation: I don't like that i'm not gonna have time for myself until wednesday. 
My brother is moving to New Zealand at the end of June. I'm excited for him, but home isn't going to be as fun with him gone. I'm trying to convince him to get a YouTube channel to vlog, so me and my family can know what's going on in his life. I'll miss him a lot. :\
I'm happy to be done with finals, and to be home and that it's summer, but I need some me time, dammit. Finals and dead week were very stressful, and I want a break. Nowish. But no break for Kate. :( 
Pretty Pretty [rainy] Rainbows, Kate.

Thursday, May 14

Bidness, my lady bidness.

Oh Tina Fey, you crack me up. (the title is from the "Woomba" ad from SNL several years ago.)
BUT. Its blog time. ish. My roommate's asleep so I'll have to type quietly. 

Instead of studying like I meant to, last night, I: ate dinner with friends, played in my closet, took some silly pictures... and then spent 3 hours in the boy's hallway in my dorm because we were under tornado warning (yay Oklahoma). 
It was pretty funny/interesting to see the different reactions of the over stressed, sleep deprived students: 
1. bringing a blanket, lying down, and trying to tune out the Tornado Warning alarm that kept going off
2. bringing their computers and futilely trying to get an internet connection (i can BARELY get internet in my room, and we are on a supposedly "completely" wireless campus. I will NOT miss that next year)
2.5 bringing their computers to study (most people did this until their computers died)
3. play guitar (ok, so this was only one guy, but he played the same thing over and over and over for about 2 hours. and he thought he was so cool)
4. try to get internet on their phones
5. stare blankly at the wall in front of them
I participated in 2, 2.5, and 4. 
the Good
only a day and a half until I get to go home, I get to see my mom and brother tonight, I am almost completely packed, and I have an awesome roommate that will sleep through anything, puts up with my crazy, and will be missed greatly this summer. AND! I got all of the stains out of my carpet. :) ANNNNNND!!! I'm getting lunch with a co-worker at Pita Pit (which is my favorite place of all time), then picking up my last paycheck. CHA-CHING. (except not; my paycheck was 48$. for working 8 hours during dead week.)
the Bad: I have 2 finals tomorrow, one at 8am and one at 1.30 pm. And in between those finals, I have to completely move out of my room. weh. 
The carpet in my room is 2 different colors; 
light blue: under the rug, our beds, and where I sprayed resolve yesterday
faded light blue: everywhere else. my goodness girls are dirty hairy things.
The Ugly: I managed to bite my tongue super hard last night. Salt and Vinegar chips at dinner was not helpful.

Pretty Pretty Pretty Rainbows, Kate.

Sunday, May 10

random things

here's a list of random things I've been thinking about:
1. how difficult paleopathology is going to be
2. that I have to [finish] a paper tomorrow, before 430. and NEED TO REMEMBER TO DO IT
3. how completely made of awesome Dollhouse and Chuck are (I know they are very dissimilar) ... but I'm thinking of them in the same way now because they both might be getting canceled. which is VERY stupid. And the biggest problem is this: I don't watch either of them when they actually air. I had a class during Chuck, and I am a normal teenager and generally go out on friday nights (so no Dollhouse). BUT BUT BUT, if they decide not to kill all of my dreams by canceling the shows, i won't have monday night classes and can make an effort to stay in when Dollhouse is on (and go out after)  next semester. in conclusion, FOX AND NBC. DO NOOOOOOT CANCEL THE SHOWS PLEASE AND THANKS. LOVE, Kate.
4. how incredibly tired I am, and that I promised myself that I'd stop studying at 11 (30 minutes from now.) so I can actually be awake for my 8.30 final tomorrow morning. 
5. how sad I am about missing seeing my mom on mother's day. We did plan ahead, and my family came up last weekend and we "celebrated" mother's day, but it isn't the same. I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE my mommy. I'm a momma's girl, always and forever. I'm practically 20 and I still cuddle with my mom. And she wakes me up. And buys me things. And is paying a riddiculous amount of money for my education. And sends me money whenever I ask (which I keep to a minimum, because even if I truly need the money, I feel guilty for having to ask). And is awesome. And works reallly hard. And is awesome. And supports my brother and I's choices in major even though it is highly probable that both of us will be poor for some time. And is taking 2 days off work this week to help me move out. And is super dooper awesome. And I miss her. :(
6. how much facebook has been ticking me off lately. I'm actually on the verge of quitting, it has gotten way to intrusive and pointless. But, I never actually WILL quit facebook because I'm too much of a stalker. :)
7. did I already say how tired I was? oh. ok. 
8. how completely freaked out I am about grades, and "friends", and being so insecure that instead of hanging out with people, I sit in my room and mope about how I feel like I don't really have any friends. 
9. how much I want to see Star Trek, but won't have time to until Tuesday. :(

ok. time for 20 last minutes of studying, then SLEEEEEP.

ps. I need a sign off. . . I'm gonna go with the first thing that comes to mind.
........ pretty pretty rainbows. ya, that'll do.

Pretty Pretty Rainbows, Kate.

I should be studying.

I really should be studying for my final tomorrow, but I have been all day (with the exception of a delightful 15 minutes of, so I figure it's break time, baby. Awesomely, because I've been reading and typing and crying (just a teeny bit) all day, my computer/texting skills have greatly diminished. I've had to re-type several things, and re-text several things to some very confused friends and family members. Good thing I don't proof read my texts... predictive text is not always my friend.
But. That doesn't really have anything to do with why I'm starting to blog, again. It's mostly because I forgot how much I love writing narrative (I'm an anthropology major that's focusing in Paleopathology, so lots of technical writing) and because whenever I'm aware and focused on my thoughts, I think in narrative. 
Another reason, is HayleyGHoover. Seriously. Her blog has inspired me to take writing up again. Annnnd, if next semester goes how I think it will, this will probably end up being my only creative outlet. so. sadface. [i can't do choir OR ballroom next year; and I've been doing both for 3 years now.]
I haven't quite decided how often I'm going to update this, probably whenever I think of something to write. Which, may or may not be once a day, but I'm aiming for at least 2 times a week. 
I'm not sure I want people I know reading this. I'm going to try to be as honest as possible (and keep it entertaining for me) with these. And, honestly, I'm not as truthful as I should be with IRL people. 
so. yes. good first entry.
oh. and happy mother's day. i love my momma.