Sunday, July 12

can't sleep.

Once again, I am up later than I would like, and am awake for no particular reason other than sleep won't come. Because I cannot shut off my brain.
My mother keeps on telling me that when I loose weight, she will take me on a shopping spree. Then does not understand why I never want to go shopping for clothes.... I haven't bought myself clothes in over 2 months. Because I don't want to feel good. I don't want to feel pretty. Because I am not. A size 16 with bad skin? not a pretty girl. And I'm fucking tired of people telling me I have a great personality. That's not what people see when they see me. They see a lost teenager. The second-rate child in the family. 
And I am lost. I am off track, lazy, unreliable, and lonely. 
I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I have no idea. And that horrifies me. I'm a year and a half away from graduating college and I have not idea what I want. I want to go back to high school. Friends were easier to maintain. As were grades. And my growing habit of not attending class to the point of failure would disappear. 
But life hardly ever gives us what we want.
Only what we can handle. And sometimes what we need. 

That's all I'm relying on to get through the rest of this summer.
I cannot take much more here. 
I'm alone far too often. And when I'm with people I lie about what I do when I'm alone. I sit on my ass and think about how crappy this summer has been.
My dad asked me if I thought this was a good summer. I lied. Said yes. 
I smile. I lie. I laugh. I lie. I don't sleep. I lie. 

I think I want to write a book. but it probably won't be very good. like everything else I do. 
I'm going to make this blog a once a month thing.
It's too depressing to write like this more often.
not that anyone reads this. 
that's probably better though.