Strange

As of this week, i'm about 90% sure that i am Obsessive Compulsive. and while i am not a psychologist, and the same goes for my friends, but they've basically convinced me that i am. Which does not completely surprise me. I've always thought that there was something slightly off with how i think - i'll get words stuck in my head. Or i'll have the urge to touch people's hair (this happens a lot on campus) or pour drinks on things or throw something (on my person) at the person i'm talking to. I've mostly learned to control myself (except when i'm drunk, lol) but i'd never talked to anyone about all of the things that go through my head on a daily basis, and after i did talk to some friends that are psychology minors, they think i'm a little craaazy.

lovely.

My head hurts. i'm not sure if it's stress, tiredness, change in weather, or something else entirely; but my head hurts like craaaaaaazy. wah. :(

and now i'm about to change the channel because the idea of Cougar Town frightens me, no matter how many times people tell me it's funny. hah. OOOH True Life: I Have Digital Drama. YES.

can't sleep.

Once again, I am up later than I would like, and am awake for no particular reason other than sleep won't come. Because I cannot shut off my brain.

My mother keeps on telling me that when I loose weight, she will take me on a shopping spree. Then does not understand why I never want to go shopping for clothes.... I haven't bought myself clothes in over 2 months. Because I don't want to feel good. I don't want to feel pretty. Because I am not. A size 16 with bad skin? not a pretty girl. And I'm fucking tired of people telling me I have a great personality. That's not what people see when they see me. They see a lost teenager. The second-rate child in the family. 

And I am lost. I am off track, lazy, unreliable, and lonely. 

I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I have no idea. And that horrifies me. I'm a year and a half away from graduating college and I have not idea what I want. I want to go back to high school. Friends were easier to maintain. As were grades. And my growing habit of not attending class to the point of failure would disappear. 

But life hardly ever gives us what we want.

Only what we can handle. And sometimes what we need. 

That's all I'm relying on to get through the rest of this summer.

I cannot take much more here. 

I'm alone far too often. And when I'm with people I lie about what I do when I'm alone. I sit on my ass and think about how crappy this summer has been.

My dad asked me if I thought this was a good summer. I lied. Said yes. 

I smile. I lie. I laugh. I lie. I don't sleep. I lie. 

I think I want to write a book. but it probably won't be very good. like everything else I do. 

I'm going to make this blog a once a month thing.

It's too depressing to write like this more often.

not that anyone reads this. 

that's probably better though. 

Nicest Thing

Soooo. I haven't blogggggged in quite some time. Sorry, self. I broke a promise to me. How dare I. But, I have a legitimate excuse for not blogging at all last week: I was in Colorado all week, and made a promise (that I actually kept) to my mom/myself that I wouldn't go on the internet at all while we were in the park in Colorado. 

It was an excellent trip. We hiked mostly, but my brother and I spent a solid day and a half in the craft center in the park; painting, mosaicing, jewelry making. 

It is a bit sad though, it's the last trip we'll be taking as a family for .... the unforseeable future. All because my brother is moving to New Zealand on the 26th. for over a year (he'll miss me turning 21 D: and our cousin's new baby). He's got a visa, and a friend that he's going to live with.

 but that's all. 

It horrifies me to think that he'll be so on his own. I could never do that. As much as I would love to study abroad, I don't think that I'll ever gain the courage to go off on my own, to make new friends, to find a place to live and a job... it completely baffles my mind. He's handling it very well. At the moment I think he's 50% excited and 40% scared and 10% confused. So long as excited stays in the top spot he'll do fine. 

Enough of that though.

I cannot get this song out of my head. I think it's part of the reason (along with a deep seeded desire that i've had for the past 10 years) why I'm asking my parents to get me a cello for my birthday. Which is next Sunday. And Father's Day. 

Boo hiss. 

Not to father's day, but to my birthday. [ there is a bit of a selfish twinge in me that groans every time I have to share my special day with someone else...]

Turning 20. 

A tad bit scared of not being a teenager anymore. I kinda feel like I'll have to change my attitude  to most everything in my life. I am the baby of my family, and I still act it, mostly. It doesn't really help that my mom keeps on absentmindedly telling me she wishes I was 18 so I could work at a restaurant. heh. 

it's  almost 5 AM and I spent all day ...yesterday in a car. so this most likely will not make much sense. and i'm sleepy. so i'll post this now, and edit more throughly tomorrow. sometime. :)

KBai.

Kate

dreams again.

waking up to an eerily empty house after having a scary dream is not fun. nope. 

a brief synopsis of my dream: I'm at a camp in the country filming a romantic comedy with Vince Vaughn. We (vince vaughn and i) are sharing a cabin with 3 other people on the film crew and we keep on hearing people talk about all the bad/scary things going on in the camp, and we talk about what the director/producers are going to do about it. Vince and I leave the cabin to meet up with my friend Zach (who's directing the movie) at the camp's gym to talk about the scary stuff and the script (that I wrote). But, once we get there, we find a skeleton in the closet that was supposed to have all of the film's props in it. Vince goes off to find a phone to call his mom. And Zach and I decide to go run laps while we wait. I ran 6 laps and then woke up. 

Idk why, but that dream really freaked me out. Good thing I spent the day in the middle of nowhere on a farm with 4 people i was kind of friends with in high school. hah. oh foreshadowing... it didn't help that the guys with us kept on making comments like "i feel like a murderer will jump out of the grass to get us soon." and "we'll be fine in the car unless the bad guy has a hook. Those hooks always penetrate the roof of the car. ALWAYS... so if he's got a hook, we're f**ked." 

it was a lot like that . . . except without the Vince Vaughn, skeletons, movie making and running. 

We did ride horses, touch cows, sheep, herding dogs and barn cats, eat dinner, swim, take a hike to find more animals and watch A River Runs Through It (which none of us liked. At all.) 

I got sunburned though. Not too bad, but sunburned none the less. 

WHY AM I UP SO LATE?! :( it's almost 4:30. w/e it's summer. 

kBai. Kate.

So yes.

i am just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. hah. Glee is amazing. 

i do live in a small town. i am a girl. and i am pretty damn lonely. 

right now, more than anything, i want a boyfriendthing (to quote Hayley Hoover). I keep on having dreams involving my guy friends and myself. And we seem to always end up making out. yay for subconscious thoughts. i want to make out with all of my friends. 

yay. 

Speaking of dreams... my dream last night:

 John Green (of vlogbrothers persuasion), Nathan Fillion (of Firefly, Castle and Captain Hammer persuasion), and Paul Bettany (of Knight's Tale, Match point, and Jennifer Connely's husband) kidnapped me, my roommate and a whole bunch of other girls. They then locked us in a really nice victorian house. Fed us, took care of us, but wouldn't let us out of the house. And there were areas that we were not allowed to go (under threat of punishment). Being my brave dream self; i convinced my roommate to go to that area of the house... and of course, right as we got to that area we ran into one of the other captives (who was naked, and running away from Nathan Fillion) and so the 3 of us hid in the closet. Once we got into the closet thou, the naked girl disappeared, and my roommate started to jingle her keys really loudly. so Nathan found us. and took my roommate and I to see John, who didn't say anything, he just put down his book, took off his glasses and looked disappointed in us (of course... in every dream of mine that John Green has been in he's a teacher/principal type person.) Because I had instigated the sneaking into the forbidden part of the house, Nathan and John agreed to let Kayla go back to our room. Nathan took me away, and as punishment for hiding in the closet, he took me into this massive dark room, and once we reached the middle of the room he gave me this huge bear hug and we apperated (that's fine, dream mind. incorporate all sorts of random crap into my dreams.) into a bar. a naked bar. and the other captive girl (the one from the closet) was there, naked still.* And so was my computer. So, when Nathan wasn't looking, I grabbed my computer, apperated back to the house, grabbed my roommate and apperated back to the bar. and everyone was putting their pants (and only pants) back on.  And then paul bettany came over and licked my face. (turns out my dog was trying to wake me up.) I did wake up when my dog bit my nose thou.

* i'd like to say that i do not often have dreams about naked people. but i was not naked. And everyone that was, well, their ...bits were all covered in some way or another.

great job brain. seriously. i don't even want to BEGIN to analyze what the hell that dream meant. 

blogging at 4 am is probably not the best idea. i have to be up at 930 today. poopy poopy pants.

ok bai. Kate.

I will never be popular. :)

Ok. 

I'll admit it. 

I am loooooving being home. I thought it was going to be a horrible transition like last summer (going from no curfew, doing whatever the hell I wanted at any time I wanted and all of my friends living walking distance from me, to having to be home no later than 1, all my friends living no less than 30 minutes away, and having to tell at least 2 people where I was going every night). But I am a sophomore now. And I know things now. Like how to make the switch from college time to I-am-the-baby-coming-home time. I feel so knowledgeable. 

I was talking to my brother about how differently we both treat our parents now that we're "grown-ups". My brother a lot more so because he's an old man (almost 23. i mean ... is ANYONE that old?) and has been living at home since january. 

It amazes me how much I didn't think of my parents as real people with real lives -that didn't revolve around mine- until the end of last semester. They do things with out me there. They travel. They paint rooms. They party, in an old person, slow, quiet way. They did those things before I was around. It's crazy, if you've never thought of your parents that way before it's quite an eye opener. Or was for me.

That conversation got me thinking about YouTube, as my normal life has more and more often lead me to recently, and about how we idolize the people we follow, even if we've met them. I know that somewhere deep down I know that the people I watch on the Tube are normal people. With mostly normal lives. But I can't help but idolize them and their well edited, highly watched and commented videos. They're like the popular kids from high school... I always admired them; but never wanted to be one, band drama was enough for me. While I was popular (or at least well known) in band, I never had any social ambitions beyond that. I was friendly with several "popular" kids (or at least my high school's equivalent of popular), but never wanted to be in the school lime light. It was way too much work. Seriously.

But for the first time in my adult life, I want to be popular. I want strangers to watch my videos, to think i'm awesome or funny or weird or anything. I think I just want people to know I exist. Which sounds much more sad than it actually is. But I don't want to become my videos. I feel like some users ARE their videos. I couldn't imagine them outside that wonderfully anonymous rectangle. Like CuteWithChris, or CommunityChannel, WhatTheBuck or DisneyKid1... people that witty and attractive couldn't possibly exist in real life. 

Maybe it's because there aren't any super famous YouTubers from my area... so it's not me. But, I still want to be famous on YouTube. I don't know why. It won't do anything for me. I still don't like it when my friends find out about my YouTube account. It's weird. I'm probably not cut out to be popular on the tubez. oh well.

the good: American Dad, Torchwood and Glee. EVERYONE GO WATCH GLEE ON HULU. it's amazing. . . . . god having cable again is AWEEEESOME.

the bad: Adam Lambert didn't win American Idol. I love him. 

the ugly: i have to unpack ALL of my crap from school. :(

Pretty, Pretty Rainbows, Kate.

Home, and it feels kinda good.

So yes. I made it through my finals ok. Not quite sure how I did on 2 of them, but I know I have solid B's in all but one class, so that's good.

What's not good is the fact that I thought I might have some time to relax and catch up on sleep and be happy it's summer. But alas, my parents had other plans. They won't let me sleep in, are making me drive to Ft. Worth tomorrow, monday and wednesday mornings (it's about an hour and a half away), are pressuring me into getting a job, AND made me a dentist appointment for tuesday - some things you need to know about my dentist - it's the same dentist we've had for 6 years (even though we now live 45 minutes away), and it's nothing against the dentist himself, but, I. HATE. the dentist. seriously.... I always freak out and end up crying my way home. It's super super fun. I'm not scared of my dentist, I just hate going there and can't help but cry every time I leave. It's awkward, and weird, and I don't want to do that again. But the dentist is necessary. So. I'll just have to deal. 

in whiney summation: I don't like that i'm not gonna have time for myself until wednesday. 

My brother is moving to New Zealand at the end of June. I'm excited for him, but home isn't going to be as fun with him gone. I'm trying to convince him to get a YouTube channel to vlog, so me and my family can know what's going on in his life. I'll miss him a lot. :\

I'm happy to be done with finals, and to be home and that it's summer, but I need some me time, dammit. Finals and dead week were very stressful, and I want a break. Nowish. But no break for Kate. :( 

*sigh*

Pretty Pretty [rainy] Rainbows, Kate.